Book Tour Blues
Saturday, October 4, 2008

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I finished a novel, the best I ever wrote,
And six months later I went out to promote
I did a book tour from New York to LA
Did 47 cities in 12 and one-half days
I sat at a table in the bookstore
Back in the corner by the loading dock door
I was an author but they thought I was a clerk
They said, "Can you direct me to John Grisham's latest work?"

I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES
Down in the holes in the soles of my shoes
You write a masterpiece in prose or verse
Then you sit around waiting for customers
AND THAT'S THE BOOK TOUR BLUES

I went to Seattle and nobody came
In San Francisco no one knew my name
In Chicago I was a great big flop
Book sales came to a sudden stop
Once I was big, I was huge, I was global
Now they send me to barns but there is no noble
Just pigs and chickens and piles of hay
And nobody comes, they all stay away

I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES
Down in the holes in the soles of my shoes
If a man doesn't win a Nobel Prize
He's got to get out and advertise
I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES

So I came to a bookstore here in St. Paul,
I sat by the door, straight and tall
When who should walk in but my own mama
Looking for a book by Barack Obama
I said, Mama, I've written one too
She gave me a look. She said, "You're kidding. You?
She looked at the book and saw the amount
And demanded a forty percent discount.

I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES
Down in the holes in the soles of my shoes
I'm no genius, no Bertrand Russell
Can't stay at home, got to go out and hustle
I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES

I was on tour when David Sedaris
Came in on a private jet from Paris,
Leading his wolfhound, wearing a mink coat
People rushed to buy the book he wrote
They carried stacks of books on their backs like coolies
They bought thousands of his and not one of yours truly's
I said, "David my man, would you give me a blurb?
And his wolfhound squatted down at the curb.

I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES
Down in the holes in the soles of my shoes
Big time authors like Roy Blount
I come in the back, they go out the front
I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES

You might see me sitting on the sidewalk
On a piece of cardboard on your block
With a sign, "Will work, can clean or cook,
Will wash your clothes if you buy my book."
And maybe you'll shake your head and say,
"I don't think Fitzgerald would've done it this way."
Thanks for the thought, but I'm not Scott.
I'm just doing the best with what I've got.

I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES
Down in the holes in the soles of my shoes
John Updike doesn't tour, nor Philip Roth
Me, I got a tin cup and a little loincloth
I GOT THE BOOK TOUR BLUES